i've been feeling really awful lately. being depressed for no good reason, feeling sluggish, oversleeping and waking up late into the afternoon, not eating right, not doing the things i want to get done. the whole suite. i went on a walk yesterday evening and i thought it would make me feel better because i haven't been outside for a while, but it didn't. i expected to be out for half an hour at most but ended up wandering around for about two hours. it felt really dreamlike. things and places felt segmented, like oneiric vignettes, and had this weird, jarring gravity to them like in a lynch film. it was almost fun being lost for a bit. there were shards of broken glass everywhere, every other street just littered with them, along with trash and rubble and all, and the glass would glimmer in the flickering streetlights. i would see a scene a bit further down a street that would seem distinctly similar to something i'd already seen in a dream, and i would walk down there and bask in it for a bit before turning back and trying to figure out how the hell to get back to a place where i'd know where i was. a lot of the sights felt rather surreal. sometimes i'd look at a certain building and feel like i'd been transported somewhere else. this one set of iron fences going up and down stairs had me feeling like i'd suddenly walked into some sort of gothic horror mansion, a node of gloomy organ chords, winding metal and moonlight for people to inadvertedly step into on their nightly strolls. encounters with people were rare but never failed to make my skin crawl. it's always security guards that give you the most unsettling stares. i was sober through most of it, had two beers. i'm glad it's cold outside, makes these walks feel a lot better. it was too dark to take good pictures. i'm going to try to fix my sleep so i can get back to working on getting better.
it felt like, as i was wandering around, i was slowly building up this city i'd visited in my dreams before. some of the sights felt like they were something i'd already seen there. the dream-city is a mess, an ocean-side amalgamation of shithole run-down cityscape like in the pictures below, and hyper modern, sleek glass and steel facades. almost a blend of beirut and dubai, the two cities i've spent most of my life in. it also had this sort of fantasy element to it, with beige archways and lush green flora spiralling into the sky. this element very vividly feels like it'd been drawn from a memory, of, as a kid, being in some garden in dubai, reading a teen fiction fantasy novel describing an ancient yet futuristic civilization inhabited by gods. the specific passage, i think, had the hero and heroine flying around in saucers above pyramids, being shot at with these spheres that were made of infinitely many, infinitely small blades, and could cut through mostly anything. i think, over the past few years, i've dreamt of this city 2 or 3 times.