i dont even know how, how i would go about coming out of this better yknow? it feels like discord, this whole endeavor, has just been an exercise in futility, a 3 year long spiral, i've degraded myself countless times, been degraded countless times, and there's nothing i could possibly gain here, but i can't bring myself to leave because if i do, what will i have achieved? nothing, all i've been doing has amounted to nothing, all the time i've sunk into nothing reduced to a further, barer nothing, i'm still sitting here in the same room i stepped into 3 years ago, i've never really left it, i haven't really changed, i'm still the same rotten, miserable kid except now i've spent enough time in my own cell that it's gone past teenage stupidity and gotten downright nauseating. and i keep doing it, again and again, every day i devise a new humiliation, a new kind of torture to inflict upon myself, and i haven't the faintest idea why. i have things to aspire to, but instead i do this, every damned day. just cower in my room, wait for the time to pass, sulk in my depression, blame everything and anything for my faults, go through the motions again and again, and again, and again, and it never ends, and it never will, and i hope i die soon