what to do now... don't know if i'm capable of doing anything that isn't fuck all anymore. day in day out just do, really, fuck all, and i guess that's the way it's been for 3 years. maybe 4 now. it's a bit hazy i guess, when and where the spiral started. just spiralling forever. further down the drain, just plummeting into that small oblivion. is there really anything i can do at this point? probably. i'm doing fuck all. i've forgotten why, i guess in a sort of haze, i stopped going outside again. although i've still some faint idea. just repeating myself into forever. samebrained, lamebrained, completely despondent now. there's nothing left to pick at anymore, the skin at my fingertips is all pink and bleeding and stings like hell. there's nothing left to pick at anymore. but i do it anyway. keep wracking my brains and agonizing over the same things, every day, the neuroticism fresh, renewed, and yet layered like decades old rot and decay. i don't really know what i have to look forward to. i guess one thing i'd like to try is molly with a girl. i've been daydreaming about it a fair bit. i guess that's sort of disgusting of me to do. it won't ever happen anyway. i've been thinking a fair bit about, well, the fact that people go outside and do things. i've been drawing a really crude outline of it i suppose, to get a sense of what it is i'm missing out on. it's occurred to me how utterly, i guess, unusual, maybe singular although not really, what i've been doing is. all the people i know at least get out and do something. even if it's entirely alone, and perfectly mundane. they go out into the world and do something in it. i haven't even had a chance to bask in my own alienation recently. just sitting inside, all the time, haven't been outside. my father hasn't spoken to me in nearly two weeks. i've spoken to my sister a bit, but it's only been a few sentences a day at most. i guess there's the voice chats, but i sort of just sit in those and let the noise feed in and space out. hey soft how's it been what've you been up to, fuck all i guess just playing world of warcraft. fuck all. i feel very sick of discord, i'm very sick of myself, sick of existence and existing. i'd like for it to be over with, but i don't really have the balls to kill myself either. just want it to be over with.