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im staying up for 3 days straight so i can meet god. im 22 hours in.
i really miss her. i keep thinking about her. still listening to that song. i like the cover a lot. it's really nice to look at, it's weirdly erotic and aesthetic.
about 27 or 28 hours in.
bit tired, came close to dozing off a few times. time passes i guess.
i think i'm 32 hours in.
watched good time. loved it. really original crime movie. lots and lots of close up shots, makes it feel very messy and in the moment, makes you feel the heat. maybe a bit too messy at times, one or two establishing shots in some scenes might've been ok. i like the constant escalation of the movie. because most crime movies end in some ass-pull magical solution you're constantly questioning how he's going to get out of the mess he's in, but he doesn't. it's all just escalation until it falls off a cliff and he's in the police car, and his brother is fucked. any other ending would've made the movie garbage. the situation getting more and more hopeless, for once, actually translates to a hopeless situation.
37 hours in.
i hope she responds, i really miss her.
made some soup. comfy.
are you always gonna be hanging around
are you always gonna be hanging around
are you always gonna be hanging around
are you always gonna be hanging around
born stupid useless
are you always gonna be hanging around
are you always gonna be hanging around
are you always gonna be hanging around
are you always gonna be hanging around
born wasted fated
my brain's gonna rot
on endless repetitions of this song. consciousness rots just as the body does. the mind is a constantly degenerating apparatus. sleep remedies it but there is something appealing in self destruction, in reconstruction.
i'm disappointed. all i feel is lethargy and longing. when does my perception start changing? when do i get to meet g*d? some weird meaningless object of innermost desire, figurehead of cope.
i need to start abusing hallucinogens. all i've ever done is edibles and blunts and the novel surreal aspect of the high wears off quick, all i'm left with is a mellow feeling. i don't want to be a part of linear reality anymore. mellow feeling or not, i just want to get lost in some endless chain of abstractions of abstractions of abstractions in my own head. like i am now, just more dissociated from reality, unaffected by the outside world.
moving men on the screen feel strange. earlier i looked at the mirror and my body felt like it was contorting and coiling around itself. i've never liked looking people directly in the eyes, i don't like looking at their faces too long either. they end up looking like waxy flesh masks, melting off under the sun. i've disfigured many people with my eyes. sometimes familiar faces begin to look completely foreign, the longer i stare at them. oftentimes just get this weird, jarring impression from seeing people. oftentimes just feel disgusted by very slight and subtle behaviors. oftentimes just feel disgusted by people in general. the more i know my close friends the more i hate them, the less i want to see them. i hate seeing myself most of all.
i slipped. around 40 hours in i dozed off, have woken up now 3 hours later. i was convinced that i wasn't sleeping, but just allowing my consciousness to drift to different places and there was some very realistic feeling, yet very vague plot going on in my head that i can't quite recall that involved me shifting positions in bed until i eventually just fell asleep. in light of this slip-up, if i don't notice anything going on by the end of the third day, i'll probably go for a fourth. the part that stings the most is that she still hasn't responded. i'm so incredibly tired of being. nothing but lethargy and longing. wallowing in some pit for god knows how long, god knows why. unable to pick myself up and make something out of myself, always too caught up in my own head and down weird lines of thought.
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