remembered today upon seeing my cousin's children that i find being around children horribly, terribly, deeply depressing
the boy is now 6 years old
the girl is now 4 years old
i wonder if i was meant to function as a human being at all
soon i will forget how to perform any of my biological functions, i will discard them out of neglect and then begin to want them again. when i come close i will remember why it is i distanced myself from them, because they are (horribly, terribly, deeply) depressing
i don't think i've been around other children since the boy was 2 or 3 and the girl had barely been born
for all i know it could be those children in particular
somehow i'd come to convince myself that all my problems were mental and that nothing would be wrong with me if i just stopped being neurotic but every time i go outside i remember a little bit of why i started being neurotic in the first place
maybe i just was not meant to function as a human being, in the presence of others
how do i cope with that