i sought to form an understanding from which all other decisions and conclusions would naturally follow, a set of base assumptions that would topple all doubt. it did not occur to me to attribute any importance to the specifics, the mundanities, to experiment with any concrete applications of my thoughts. it was, to me, a question to be settled there and then, an answer which would be the key to all other answers, a point from which everything else would flow out and settle into its rightful place.
i am still sorely in need, however, of such a foundation, if only to help steer me along the course. is it built up from the self and projected outwards? or drawn from the peripheries and applied inwards? that is to say, is it something i've got to come up with now or something i'll acquire from experience? maybe it's a bit of both. an innate sense of direction to guide my actions and an openness to progressive iteration and adjustments. (somehow i lack both)
subtleties and nuance are always frightening, and i fear that i might neglect to implement these adaptations correctly, or neglect to choose the right ones. i guess that's just the nature of things. it would be far too easy, and somewhat comforting, if everything could just be sorted into sweeping black and white categories. the subtleties and intricacies of the practical applications are as vital as the theory itself, and it makes any decision feel almost paralyzing. you know it'd be too far beyond you to calculate any of these, and really there's no qualitative difference in the big sweeping categories and these finer ones, only a quantitative one that makes it so the finer ones evade your immediate understanding. do you spend inordinate amounts of time and energy in order to form a thorough and holistic understanding of these or do you just stop being a nervous wreck and cut your losses on the less important subjects? why is it that everything needs to be figured out? it feels as though i need an explanation for everything, if something is not undertaken as its own intellectual subject then it needs to be dismissed and an adequate explanation (i.e. a cope) provided. if something novel appears or something ceases to fit into the convoluted system of explanations i've built up for myself, the immediate reaction is to nervously rack my brains in an attempt to slot it in correctly. thus the whole "flesh automaton" thing from earlier. the copes are often lacking however, and fill me with doubts and anxiety. sort of why i need those base assumptions, i guess, because the system is too often scrambled and its components are too often disparate. GOD FUCK HOW DID I MANAGE TO MAKE IT ALL SO COMPLICATED FOR NO REASON AT ALL
i'm so fucking retarded i literally just need to go outside and have the slightest shred of confidence