im a neurotic mess

im working out and ive been watching shitty south park all day just rotting doing nothing, finally mustered up the shred of willpower i had to do anything, my head is racing and im thinking about all the ways in which i am a neurotic mess

i opened the window to get some cold air and it reeks like shit outside, i may never know why, i will never be brought the explanation and that brings me great anxiety. if only i could live without needing an explanation for everything, in defiance of the unkown, even the mundane unknowns that hardly matter at all, those are the ones that, like small cumulative frictions, do the most damage in the long run. i live in a shithole and a few years back in highschool there was a similar smell from outside. the next day a teacher brought up that a smell of shit wafted over the entire city because they were burning trash because there were no more plots for landfills or something.

everything i do feels vain and retarded, and i want to kill myself because everything i do feels vain and retarded and pointless and bordering on insulting to me, as a person, as something more than just a pile of flesh, if i'm anything more than that, but i'm probably not considering the circumstances. yet at the same time i can't kill myself, i can't bring myself to do it, because i feel a vain need to experience as much things as i can, some sort of backwards existential fomo that makes me neurotic and anxious all the time in and of itself. im a chemistry student, i picked chemistry because "dae drugz xD" but what really interests me is maths and particle physics because i find them exciting and entertaining and i maintain some vague delusion about "finding god" through them, even though i dont believe in god, or whatever that means. everything i do is vain and retarded. even if i were to do maths i would still feel it to be vain and retarded because it would also feel like a pointless pursuit, just some made up imaginary shit i delude myself with to convince myself that im finding god, even though i dont believe in god, or whatever that means. if i were to do physics it'd feel like i'm too much of a materialist and id convince myself through the aforementioned existential fomo that im missing out on some higher essence i could find in some other field like maths or philosophy. if i were to keep doing chem, i'd feel like id fall into one of 3 categories: a gormless retard, a hippie stoner dae drugz xD retard, or a soulless moneygrubbing business minded ass (of the stem variety), as i've noticed that everyone who does chem falls into one of these three categories, and i want the fuck out. everything i do or could aspire to do is vain and retarded. im working out right now, in fact im writing this and i havent finished my workout, because working out feels vain and retarded, and writing this feels like a vain and retarded excuse to get out of working out, even though im halfway through and should get it over with. working out feels vain and retarded because it feels like meaningless, strange acts that you do to stave off the rotting of your own body, it feels completely absurd that i should have to maintain my body by performing these esoteric rituals whilst living a life in which my own body is atrophied, in which it has lost its natural purpose. everytime i work out i feel like a complete douchebag, a complete idiot, because the motions are so strange and absurd and contrived. like im some test rodent in my own private laboratory, a subsidiary of the nu world order grand scheme corp in which the labor and testing has been outsourced to me and every other unassuming average joe under the sun, all of us global citizens, who are all running tests on what the most efficient and optimized ritual dances are to perform in worship of a fickle god who can only be described by market flows and dieting trends and the latest news to come out of the usa which shows how totally depraved and theatrical its politics are. everything i do is vain and retarded and i wish i had the wherewithal to kill myself.

while writing this on and off and doing exercises i started being afraid that the power would cut out, because the power cuts out for a few seconds multiple times a day here, and this is how i have to live my life, in fear, in fear of mundane occurences that would inconvenience me slightly because im terrified of my mood being worsened and being butterfly effect'd into oblivion, because it's happened so many times before. i live in fear of silly, stupid, mundane things, trifles, and to combat this one instance of potential anxiety and dread ive been copying and pasting what i've been typing in the html editor into a notepad document titled "im scared of power outages 0_o" and pressing "ctrl+s" on my keyboard frantically to make sure that none of my neurotic ramblings are lost to the totally unpredictable, entirely without reason brief power outages that ruin my enjoyment of videogames or make me fear that ive lost progress on an assignment for a solid few minutes before i remember that microsoft word has an autosave feature.

weak, whiny little shit that i am, i cant even resort to drugs for escapism anymore. stimulants are evil, downers are evil, i should never touch them because they will ruin me in the blink of an eye, even though i kind of want to and ive been musing about it for the past week or so. psychedelics are not for me, at least not right now, maybe never, i dont know, that time i did acid all i did was unravel myself, and set myself on this whole neurotic search for what i want in the long term future and how to achieve it in the immediate future, which for a time did show results, i started seeing a nutritionist and exercising and trying to apply myself in my studies and i ended up losing weight and getting good grades, but i've crashed again, as i always do, and also i was really bad at it because i kept cutting corners and i didnt do as much as i could have. all it took for me to crash was my grandma dying, and i didnt even know her that well, ive only known her these past 3 years, and she's been halfway senile through most of them, and i really didnt feel anything for her, but the whole charade with funerals and relatives coming over threw me off my balance. something as simple as upsetting my routine and being kinda sad :( for an afternoon watching her get burried, her tiny bony body wrapped in linen, has thrown me back into the depression pit. it wasn't even a particularly traumatic event, the "upsetting my routine" bit did me in more than anything, i missed some classes to attend the burial and funeral and fell out of the studious groove i'd worked myself into. i have my finals in a few days and really need to get back on track. i'm so sick of myself. im so utterly sick of myself. i cant believe i didnt feel anything for my grandmother. at least i know im not emotionally dead because i kept thinking about what i'd do if my father died which made me feel terrible. tomorrow morning i will try to go out for a walk and get a change of pace before coming back home and sitting myself down to study. i really hope that tomorrow morning i wake up with any amount of willpower so i can just do that. do anything. instead of just lying in bed all day. do anything.

i constantly go through the motions, the same repetitive, cyclical feelings. i always end up crashing on a weekly or monthly basis. then i start writing about it, then i come to the conclusion that i ought to live my life in full sincerity and give things an honest effort, then i feel kind of okay for a while and things go well, then i either get bored or minorly inconvenienced or both, then i start feeling angry at myself and feeling dread at the fact that i've let myself slip into autopilot, into quotidian retardation, then i start trying to pick up intellectual pursuits, then i do it half-heartedly, then i get lazy, then i start sitting in bed all day, then i get depressed, then i crash, and so on. ad nauseam. get me out.

i wish i were doing something better with my time rather than just whining about my life on discord and my narcissistic blog,